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Smile

Post by xXLightxDarkXx on Mon Dec 07, 2009 7:36 pm

Poet's Note: I'd like some opinions, whether it's good, if I need to make it longer etc etc; these may be lyrics to an acoustic song I'm writing. Thank you and enjoy ^^

Lost or found
Thoughts so round
Heart so pure
Infinite cure
Soft skin to touch
Warm lips that brush
Brush…brush…
Faint words that cry
Yet it would die
Fading angel's grace
May become silk's face
Yet it would die
Die…die...
And it would take
Many times to break
Time…time…time
So don't let it go
And keep it aglow
Live in this while
And, please, smile
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Re: Smile

Post by Kengen on Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:10 pm

Ok this is going to be constructive criticism, as I am a song writer and have been given much praise for my works. Im gona give you some advice.

Really, its not bad, but there are a few things you can apply to make a poem like this epic.

First off, your ending rhme, while it is fairly decent, its very predictable. You are choosing the obvious words that clearly sound like the words your trying to rhyme them with. E.g Dog and hog. Youll receive a lot of compliments if you can link together words in a rhyme that you wouldnt think of right away. E.g. Spot and Taught. Get more creative with word choice and people will swoon over it.

The second thing I saw was the form. Nothing wrong with what you did, again, mostly cuz there is no wrong in this field, but you can do better. Happy. The form you used is the most simplest and basic. Try to get creative with the form, not just every two lines rhyming or every other line rhyming with each other. There is so many ways you can build off this its unreal. Again, getting creative structure can amaze many.

Just thought Id give you some helpful pointers, I hoped that helped. Try to improve on your predictability, I promise great things will come from getting crazy with it.
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Re: Smile

Post by xXLightxDarkXx on Tue Dec 08, 2009 6:50 pm

Whoa, finally someone who can actually go over my poems and constructively, and intelligently, give me feedback as to what I'm looking for.

The form, as to not having meter and such, I had a purpose for; since I'm going to be adding chords and such, I've planned on having each line be sung and held out; think of one of those slow songs. That would be the purpose for my form.

As to the rhyme scheme, this is one of the few poems in which I barely work with the end words and its rhyme; I chose words that were pretty blunt and right to the point; this is what I might edit.

Thank you Slade; I've other poems that I might post on here, and if you may, when I do, read at your leisure and comment as you wish. Thanks for your word of advice.
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Re: Smile

Post by Aoiharu on Tue Dec 08, 2009 8:55 pm

Dark this was splendid. I'ma sap for good rhyming poems and this one hit the spot.

It flowed really good and i could totally see this as a song.


[ Dx i'd write more but i'm abit busy atm. goman nasi . .''' ]

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Re: Smile

Post by Kengen on Tue Dec 08, 2009 10:22 pm

if you guys want I can post one of my songs to compare and get the full effect of what I was trying to say Happy.
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Re: Smile

Post by Yuki Black on Wed Dec 09, 2009 3:05 am

wow dark i didnt know you where such a splendid writer, its pretty good
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